Oh, High School
It’s already 7:00 PM, and I have not studied for my finals at all. Why? Because I’ve been spending all day watching vampire diaries, watching modern family, and taking crazy trips down memory lane. Like every pathetic girl in the world, I have a lot of embarrassing and frustrating boy-stories. I honestly should start a series.
I remember the first guy I dated. He was such a good person. And I was just so, so horrible. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t even want to date. I was stupid and selfish enough to just say “yes” and then change my mind later. I guess I didn’t take into consideration his feelings, or I just didn’t know what it meant to care. Anyways, for good reason (because I was a crazy bitch) he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore after I broke up with him. Somehow, I was stupid and egotistical enough to think that he’d still want to be friends with me afterwards. And to no one’s surprise but mine, he didn’t. I was heartbroken. I went crazy. I literally did everything I could to try to get his attention, to win his friendship back.
That’s one of those situations where you pronounce the acronym “lol” outloud. Yeah, not the greatest time of my life right there. Just imagine someone crawling back literally on hands and knees, maybe covered in dirt, sprinkle on some beetles, hair a mess, nose a dripping, eyes puffy. That was me. Why wouldn’t someone want to be friends with me? Wah-wah, boohoo, cry me a river. (which I literally did)
Obvious answer: I was a horrible person.
At least because of that embarrassing and traumatic experience, I’ve learned to become a better friend. I’ve also learned that everything is probably your own fault. You can’t just blame someone for not wanting to talk to you. It’s their own prerogative. And why would you want a faux friendship to keep yourself happy anyways?
I guess a part of growing older is remembering a bunch of shit that makes you want to draft up anonymous apology letters and stick them in past-friends’ mailboxes, or at least facebook inboxes. It’s silly that something as small as this occasionally keeps me up. It’s pretty pathetic that I get hung up on high school things sometimes. But I think everyone would be lying if they said that they don’t at least think about it and wonder what would have happened if things went differently.
curse beauty of humanity though, isn’t it?
What Girl Doesn’t?
Once in a while, I will get curious. I will wonder what they are up to, how they are doing. Are they happy? Are they happier now than they were then? I hope so. Or do I…
Once in a while, I will remember. I will see something that reminds me of them. See places that we used to go and think of the things we used to do. I remember all the jokes that we’ve shared, the promises we’ve made. Most of these weren’t kept, on both ends.
Once in a while, I will take action. I will type their name into the facebook search bar and stalk the most recent photos. Oh that haircut doesn’t work for them. Oh they’re looking good! I might even ask someone how they’re doing. I might ask them personally how they’re doing. I want to know if their new girlfriends treat them well. I’m also secretly hoping they’re not.
I’m selfish like that. I’m competitive. I want to be the best. I want to the be the one that got away. And that makes me horrible. Is it bad if everyone else thinks the same? No… but yes. On the outside, I want them be happy. On the inside, I don’t. Deep down, I do though. But deeper down, I want them to suffer. Deeper-deeper down I want them to find peace and live a full life. Even deeper down I want them to spend eternity in turmoil for messing things up. The pattern continues. What is it that I really want? I don’t know.
All I know is that I’m not different from any other girl. I want to know how my ex-boyfriends are doing, I wish we could still be as close as we used to be or at least be friends. But growing up means accepting that that never really happens (so I guess I grew up a long-ass time ago), unless you stumbled upon some really amazing person. Chances are, if they’re man enough to remain friends after many years, then they’re man enough to give another chance to. Why would anyone let a mature, understanding, and selfless man go like that?
Life lesson, boys.
Something No One Knew About Me #1
1. In middle school, I read a lot of Harry Potter fanfiction. I read more HP fanfic than I read actual Harry Potter, and I’ve read each book dozens of times (particularly the GoF and OotP). I spent hours hunched in front of a computer screen reading into the night. When my parents would finally kick me off the computer, I would save them onto documents and read them secretly in my room.
I mostly read romance fics; ship: Draco/Hermione. Not that I can relate to Hermione in any way whatsoever (…that know-it-all twat…) but I love Draco’s bad-boy-exterior, softee interior thing that he’s got going on. I believe all guys have Draco complex. Not to mention, Tom Felton was cute as f*ck in the first couple of movies. Drool. I guess this was my version of Korean Drama. Hah.
"It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart. There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself."
Got it 5 days late due to vacation.
Roses, chocolates, and sparkling wine. Lovin’ all the love.
I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and saw them crying in their bed at night or singing in the shower or humming quietly to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street. And even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think, after seeing them at their most vulnerable, you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.
"Love isn’t about “not being able to picture yourself without them”, but “wanting to imagine your future with them”."
my version of true love
The Music of the Night by Andrew Lloyd Webber
Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses
Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night
Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar
And you live as you’ve never lived before
Softly, deftly, music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it secretly possess you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness that you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night
Let your mind start a journey to a strange new world
Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before
Let your soul take you where you long to be
Only then can you belong to me
Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night
i want a love like this one—innocent, cute, and even awkward.
so did i ever mention i’m attracted to nerds?
Think of Me
Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we’ve said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while -
please promise me you’ll try.
When you find that, once again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me
We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me …
Think of all the things
we’ve shared and seen -
don’t think about the way things
might have been …
Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we’ll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won’t think of you …