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Oh, High School

It’s already 7:00 PM, and I have not studied for my finals at all. Why? Because I’ve been spending all day watching vampire diaries, watching modern family, and taking crazy trips down memory lane. Like every pathetic girl in the world, I have a lot of embarrassing and frustrating boy-stories. I honestly should start a series.

I remember the first guy I dated. He was such a good person. And I was just so, so horrible. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t even want to date. I was stupid and selfish enough to just say “yes” and then change my mind later. I guess I didn’t take into consideration his feelings, or I just didn’t know what it meant to care. Anyways, for good reason (because I was a crazy bitch) he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore after I broke up with him. Somehow, I was stupid and egotistical enough to think that he’d still want to be friends with me afterwards. And to no one’s surprise but mine, he didn’t. I was heartbroken. I went crazy. I literally did everything I could to try to get his attention, to win his friendship back.

That’s one of those situations where you pronounce the acronym “lol” outloud. Yeah, not the greatest time of my life right there. Just imagine someone crawling back literally on hands and knees, maybe covered in dirt, sprinkle on some beetles, hair a mess, nose a dripping, eyes puffy. That was me. Why wouldn’t someone want to be friends with meWah-wah, boohoo, cry me a river. (which I literally did)

Obvious answer: I was a horrible person.

At least because of that embarrassing and traumatic experience, I’ve learned to become a better friend. I’ve also learned that everything is probably your own fault. You can’t just blame someone for not wanting to talk to you. It’s their own prerogative. And why would you want a faux friendship to keep yourself happy anyways?

I guess a part of growing older is remembering a bunch of shit that makes you want to draft up anonymous apology letters and stick them in past-friends’ mailboxes, or at least facebook inboxes. It’s silly that something as small as this occasionally keeps me up. It’s pretty pathetic that I get hung up on high school things sometimes. But I think everyone would be lying if they said that they don’t at least think about it and wonder what would have happened if things went differently.

That’s the curse beauty of humanity though, isn’t it?

Save You by Scenes From A Movie
19 plays

"There will be nobody left here to save you."

From: Me, 2006

Realization #1

I had my best music phase in middle school, when I (and everyone in the world) went through the punk rock phase: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Lostprophets, The Used, The Rocket Summer, Daphne Loves Derby, Anberlin, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Boys Like Girls, Cute is What We Aim For, etc.

Yeah, I thought I was the shit for being underground, alternative, and “emo”. Little did I know that underground/alternative was and is actually mainstream and that I had no idea what “emo” really meant.

I can’t wait ‘til I have kids and they go through some weird-ass phase and think they’re the shit. I will have a good 3-year-or-so chuckle. Or I’ll just ship ‘em off to boarding school. God I hate middle schoolers. Including pre-9-to-6-years-ago myself. I really needed a new hair cut.

A few memories from my first two weeks of Shanghai.

A few memories from my first two weeks of Shanghai.

I wonder what the class of 2011 will be like.
Oh, high school.

I wonder what the class of 2011 will be like.

Oh, high school.


Think of Me
60 plays

Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we’ve said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while -
please promise me you’ll try.
When you find that, once again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me …

Think of all the things
we’ve shared and seen -
don’t think about the way things
might have been …

Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we’ll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won’t think of you …

I’m my happiest, when I’m free.
Free as when I was three.
Free when a bike steers me.

I’m my happiest, when I’m free.

Free as when I was three.

Free when a bike steers me.


Look how small I was! Now I’m taller than both my parents.

And I must say, I had pretty good taste is sweaters back then.

Take a sad song and make it better…

Listening to my “Heartbreak” playlist and downing Skinny Peppermint Mocha like a homeless drunkard—shell-shocked veteran. Vestiges of lovers-past swim through my memories; fuzzy flashbacks loop in and out of the integrals on my page and splash through the ever-thinning, glossy film of my eyes. Their voices escape like steam through my hairline. But their laughter pounds through my head like a tuning guitarist—find the perfect pitch.

Never thought of myself as a “heart breaker” but according to Taylor Swift, Nelly, Lil Wayne, Adele, James Morrison, The Airborne Toxic Event, The Beatles, and more… I am.

Hey Jude, how’d you do it?

The wave of guilt crashes on my conscience, propelling me into the cold deep and I never was a good swimmer.


I remember

my very first balloon.

It was a sweltering day in New Hampshire. Stepping into the air conditioned convenience store was an adventure in heaven for four-year-old me. But I didn’t take many steps before I knew exactly what I wanted.

There, floating in mid-air, suspended by an unknown force, hovering over the cashier, was a single red balloon. It’s surface was shiny, like a pool of ketchup. It was just as I had imagined or seen on TV, for my parents were poor then and I had never seen anything like it before.

I knew I needed to have it. To hold it. To call it mine. And so I yanked on my mother’s dress and pleaded, most likely whined, ‘til she complied. The cashier asked if I wanted a new one blown up. I said “no”. I wanted that one.

I was so excited that the moment its ribbon-tail touched my sweaty palms, I sprinted out the door. My mother flung the change at the man and chased after me, for I had a tendency to attract stray cars, even in the ever-abandoned New Hampshire streets. I giggled, I skipped. And before I knew it, I saw the shiny red orb was gliding higher and higher. It flew up and up until it was smaller than a bead. I realized the ribbon was not in my hand.

I had lost my first love.

My buttocks felt the sudden collision of smooth skin on tough gravel as I collapsed in the middle of the parking lot. Only seconds ago, my red balloon was my red balloon. And now, it belonged to the sky. Little did I know that that fleeting moment of loss was to foreshadow even greater losses in the future.

Moving to Boston, then Miami, then many communities within Miami, and ultimately Princeton, I’ve lost many relationships. I’ve lost my bedroom and my favorite childhood toy. I’ve lost all my baby teeth, my best friend’s green apple scented magic eraser, and my high-pitched voice. I’ve lost that handy-dandy red devil vacuum cleaner and my fuzzy purple coin purse. I even lost my imagination.

And so I’ve come to fear having, because you can only lose something after you’ve have-ed it. ”With the joy of acquiring something comes the fear of losing it, even more so when that something is a person…”

I wouldn’t describe it as a fear, but more of a reluctance. I was reluctant to buy another balloon that day. See, my mother promised it would be the same. It did have the same ketchup-y glimmer. The man even cut the same color ribbon for me. But it was not the same.

It might look and feel the same. But the helium was brand new, it hadn’t been marinated by the hot summer heat yet. I refused to believe it was the same because technically, it was not. I rode home with a brand new red balloon that day. But it wasn’t mine.

Now, I am older and I like to think I’m more mature. Losing is a daily chore for me now. I lose my keys and my ID every day, so you can say that I’m jaded. But no matter how great the losses are today, it will never ring and ripple my soul like my red balloon had. “Once we are blessed with something we have sincerely coveted, we are not guaranteed that it will be ours to keep forever.” Does this mean I should cherish something every moment it is still within my grasp? Or should I let it soar, higher and higher, farther and farther, because it was meant to do so all along. My balloon always had the intention of escaping. It was just waiting for the opportune moment and now the sky is filled with red balloons.

10 Songs That Will Always Be a Part of My Life

A Girl Worth Fighting For- Mulan Characters

Oops I Did It Again- Britney Spears

Roses- Outkast

Stacy’s Mom- Fountains of Wayne

The Remedy- Jason Mraz

You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift 

Forever & Always- Taylor Swift

Our Song- Taylor Swift

When Will My Life Begin- Mandy Moore (Tangled)

Pretty Girl Rock- Keri Hilson

The Nicest Thing Anyone Has Ever Said to Me

Everyone at CTY is Asian, but everyone liked to make fun of my eyes anyways. Not because they were small, but because they got unusually squinty when I laughed— anime-crescent moon shaped, literally. Scott and Sean were poking fun at me, all in good nature of course. I wasn’t offended in the least, but I played along like I was dreadfully hurt. Dramatic sad face.

Then Dharun, in the middle of the laughing crowd, looks at me like I’m the only person in the whole room. For a second I thought he was going to join in like he normally does. I was expecting a witty insult. But instead, he says “I like it when your eyes are small, because it means you’re smiling”.

"Oh my god, Dharun! That was the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me! No, that’s the nicest thing anyone has every said to me!" Maybe it actually isn’t, but that’s the first thing I think of when people ask me what it is. It was a small comment that went a long way. He wasn’t openly nice to everyone, but he was nice to me.

Dharun and I ended up being best friends at camp. Inseparable! We joked, we teased, we had fun. On CTY Valentine’s Day I gave him a heart with a picture of me pushing him off a building (he’s deathly afraid of heights). In turn, he gave me a heart with a picture of a poorly drawn cockroach (my biggest fear). On Cross Dressing Day, he gave me his clothes and people said I was his female doppleganger. At dances, we sat laughing at the side making fun of the Alcovians. On the last CTY dance, we made up our own dance to American Pie.

On the last day, all we did was hug. Well actually, I hugged him and he didn’t hug back. We parted ways and barely saw each other ever again (despite living in the same town). Once in a while I’ll bump into him and it was like camp all over again! Sometimes, when I had problems, he’d help me out. But once, I think he hacked my computer, although I have no evidence.

A few months ago we talked online everyday ‘til way past midnight. After everything that’s happened to him, he’s still remained strong. In his time of isolation he has managed to keep his head up high; teach himself Italian and things I could only dream of learning! It’s weird that someone I’ve always sort of looked up to is now… famous. And not the kind of famous I thought he’d be. When people bring up his name or I see him on the news, my blood boils. You goddamn f*ckers can’t even pronounce his name right. I just keep silent as people do what people do best—hate. What can I do? No one likes to hear the bad guy's side. I can only pray that one of my closest friends will make it out okay.

No matter what happens to you, I’ll always be here. We’re gonna have that summer reunion like we’ve always planned, okay? Someday.

Day 1: A recent picture of you & 15 interesting facts about yourself

I’m doing two 30 Day Challenges at once because one is not challenging enough! Sorry for Spamming up your tumblrs everyone, I really have nothing better to do with my life! =)

This is what I look like when I sleep! Hehe

  1. One time when I was around 4, I was walking around the pool when a saw a pretty silver ring. Actually it was a silver washer, the same ones we use in science class. I thought it would be a cool idea to stick the rusty ole thing on my finger and wear it as a ring. Long story short, I ended up having to go to the hospital to get it surgically removed. They gave me a million shots and used the jaws of life to wrench that thing off. It was horrible. My dad wanted to take a picture to remind us all of how “naughty” I was. He also forgot to turn off flash. 
  2. I don’t dot my i’s because a) dotted i’s look ugly to me and b) that’s just way too much effort. say you’re writing a long essay with lots of words containing lot’s of i’s, for example “panini” and “Mississippi”. That’s a lot of i’s to dot! I can confidently say that for each 2 page essay I hand write, I would have to dot at least 200 i’s. That’s at least 20 seconds of time purely devoted to dotting i’s. Think of all the time in my life I can save if I didn’t have to dot my i’s. And I don’t! Therefore, I am saving time and because time is money, I am saving money! this is my handwriting (however, I do dot them when writing in cursive, but that’s probably why I hate writing in cursive… it takes too long dotting all those i’s and j’s): 
  3. In 8th grade my dad forced me to take the SAT’s “for fun”. After I took it in Princeton, me and Hyewon went to the Princeton library. It was the first time I ever went. I instantly fell in love. You know that place right in the entrance with all those little blocks that people made and stuck to the wall? I though that was the coolest thing in the world because you could see how all these different people made one community. I thought I could replicate its awesomeness so I tried to cover my entire wall with it too. Needless to say it took too long, I didn’t have that much wall room, and I quickly ran out of magazines haha.
  4. By mimicking Mrs. Palombit, our horrendously hilarious ex-assistant orchestra director, I have honestly become a better singer!
  5. I’m a hypocrite because a) I hate Miley Cyrus, but Party in the USA is my theme song. b) I don’t like Jonas Brothers but Year 3000 is my other theme song (when Party in the USA is taking a coffee break). 
  6. The summer before 2nd grade, I burned down half my house in Miami. Me and my sister were playing house. We were playing in the spacious guest room closet. I thought it would be a good idea to bring in the massive lamp. Suddenly the whole closet was lit by red light and half the clothes were on fire. My sister was screaming because fire had landed on her arm. In the chaos we forgot to “stop, drop, and roll”. Me, my mom, and my sister ran out of the house with only underwear on because we were all supposed to be napping and it was a hot day. It was the worst day of my life.
  7. In that fire, I lost my best friend. Her name was Emerald. I was looking for comfort during the whole fire craze, but she was no where to be found. When I finally went to go see the ruined house, I saw her figured burnt and melted into the surrounding burnt clothes— lost forever. Here is a picture of me holding her the first day I got her (I’m the one in the middle):Since then I’ve gotten a replacement and she is sitting on my bed this very moment. I still call her Emerald, but it’s not the same. Secretly, I still grieve about the original Emerald. I told her everything! I even swore that my favorite color would always be emerald! This could be why I cried so hard in Toy Story 3. She was a great doll.
  8. I used to be quite the little chef in elementary school! I took all sorts of cookies, smashed them, and put them in milk. Rolled peanut butter up in bread in so many different ways, creating pretty patterns. Poured Capri Sun in margarita glasses and called it “white wine”. I tested everything on my sister Sophie, sometimes against her will (she’s the one holding the pink doll above). =P
  9. I once chased a cockroach around the house for 20 minutes spraying it with windex. I needed to kill it, but I didn’t want to touch it or hear it crunch, so I thought windex was the best idea. Seeing it all dead and covered in windex on the kitchen floor was the second grossest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
  10. The grossest thing that ever happened to me was in, no surprise, China. My grandfather was in the hospital because he was seriously ill and all of my uncles, aunts, and cousins were always in the hospital taking care of him. Because I was a “guest”, they always sent me back home to sleep instead of staying in the smelly hospital. China is so dirty that there is dust everywhere all the time, and if you don’t mop twice a day your house will be so dirty. Well since no one was ever home, and I’m a lazy asshole, the house was disgusting. One night I wanted to watch TV. I walked over to the television and heard a crunch. I looked down at my foot and there was a sticky white puddle on the floor. I looked under my foot and there was a dead cockroach. I will stop the story here.
  11. I think used to be one of the top 100 neopians of neopets list back in the day. My daily interest was like 10,000 NP. I owned everything from the secret faerie tower. I had the packrat avatar with nothing in the safety deposit bank costing under 1000 NP. All my pets have been painted and zapped a thousand times. I had ever petpet ever made. My neohome was upgraded to the highest possible level. I had dozens of trophies. I owned multiple guilds with hundreds of members and all self-coded layouts. There’s more but I’m going to stop bragging HAHA. I don’t have my account anymore because I have it away. I wish everyday that I still had it because I want to play again.
  12. I can relate everything in life to either Spongebob Squarepants, Harry Potter, or both! I can shamelessly say my life revolves around those two.
  13. When I was younger I watched a lot of Chinese KungFu dramas. I’ve seen all the classics, even the ones in Cantonese! I was so engulfed by the KungFu world that I begged my mom everyday to ship me to the Shao Ling Shi (Bad Ass KungFu Temples of China). If she listened and sent me I would be able to kick major butt right now.
  14. When I was small, I liked to run around my pool sprinkling salt in the water. I liked to pretend I was a pixie and that my pixie dust will create enchanted water that would give everyone magical powers!
  15. I was a big T.V. junkie. I was SO obsessed with the shows I watched that i dreamt of getting married to the sexy characters in it. Here is a condensed list of my were-to-be husbands:
  • Vageta (Dragon Ball Z)
  • Tuxedo Mask (Sailor Moon)
  • Seto Kaiba (Yugioh)
  • Heero (Gundam Wing)
  • Matt (Digimon Season 1)
  • Zuko (Avatar)
  • Tenchi Muyo (Tenchi Muyo)